We are somehow surviving the third wettest spring on record here in Oregon. Words will not do justice to the miserable state we are in. The lawn is bogged down, the chickens are soaking wet, the garden isn't fully planted and the house desperately needs an airing out. Most of my friends/family have mild chest colds that simply will not go away. We all desperately need a huge dose of blazing hot sun to burn off the cold, the funk, the exhaustion and depression. Blaaahhhh.....
As unbearable as the things are outside, things inside our cozy little nest are rocketing along. Cora turned four months old and has made several developmental leaps. She is now able to grab objects and bring them to her mouth and two nights ago she rolled over on her own for the first time and then started giggling at us. It is an amazing moment the first time you hear your child laugh, hear their voice changing and catching just a glimpse of what they may sound like when they begin talking. Magical.
I have been in a externally quiet internally turbulent phase for the past few weeks. I've been mulling and mulling in my mind the concept of how much I should/want to be working right now. For weeks I felt trapped by my emotional response to my job which was quickly approaching burn out. I kept arriving at the notion that I should quit for awhile, after all we have waited years to have Cora and now that she is here it is going so quickly. But then I think of how hard I have worked to build my practice and arrive at the place I am in professionally. It would be a shame to just turn my back on that.
Torn between these opposing thoughts I sweated it out for weeks. This is how my thought process works. I have to remember to relax while the concepts percolate, I can not force the answer, I have to wait for it. I finally had a breakthrough and have decided to work one day a week and take a few hours for myself a second day a week. The work I do is very draining, as in I am giving of myself and can easily be depleted. I remember this concept coming up in school and mentoring and hearing fellow therapists talk about this sort of depletion/burnout. I am lucky to have avoided it until now. Until now massage was the place I went to quiet my own overactive mind, to meditate for one hour chunks and help another person along the way. It was a relief, a retreating from my own anxious overactive mind.
Along the way assuming my new role as mama I no longer have the luxury of lingering in my mind ad nauseum. Now I crave some alone time to let my mind wander where it may. I know this period in life is short lived, that soon Cora will be up and running around and not needing me as intensely as she does now. But for the moment this is where we are, and when it comes time for me to step away for a few minutes it is time for myself I need the most. Currently that time is spent working on helping others to feel better and though that is rewarding I am exhausted and feeling very energetically depleted.
Of course I also love what I do for a living and believe that it keeps me balanced and healthy in many respects. In the spirit of not giving up on it I am going to try this new schedule and see if the burnout feeling fades. Hopefully by honoring my own need for rejuvenation I can still be strong and present for Cora, myself and for my clients. We shall see how it goes, I hope it works.
And of course we have photos! Cora is getting so healthy and chubby so quickly, I love it! I just want to kiss her cheeks all day long. At her last doctor's appointment we found out she is doing great and went from being a very tiny baby to measuring in the 75th percentile for her weight. Apparently breast feeding is working well for her.
Tummy time on the changing table
Sitting in her highchair for the first time, propped up with blankets
My sweet, smiling girl. She is so happy and smiles all the time.
Look how tiny she was in this same dress just a few weeks ago!
Her first pair of jeans, getting ready to meet uncle Jeff for dinner
She loves her uncle Jeff!
Jeff took this photo while we were having dinner. It is my all time favorite photo of Cora!!!