Monday, June 9, 2008

The Radio Silence is Broken`

It has been a long time since I have posted. I feel that I have been avoiding it, weary that the computer will remind me of my negligence when I am innocently checking my email. I have asked myself why the silence, or more importantly why am I avoiding my own words. The answer seems to lie in my aversion to passing on bad news. I never intended when I began this blog to only report the happy moments of our life. However, as interest has grown and more people have begun reading I worry about disappointing or worrying our loved ones who often worry over us without needing more fuel for that fire.

That said...I am breaking through this block and from this moment forward I am writing as I experience. In the last few months there have been mountains of happiness and heartbreak here in the Calanca corner of Oregon. The highs and lows have been a wild ride and I feel like I may be finally adapting to the mental and emotional whiplash.

The most recent obstacle we are overcoming is the loss of my second pregnancy. Many of you know that Scott and I have been trying to have a baby since our last miscarriage. It is hard to believe that we lost the last baby a year and a half ago. It is hard to believe that we have spent the better part of two years trying to get pregnant. We have been working with a Naturopathic Doctor doing everything within our power to stack the cards in our favor. The physical burden of this struggle unfortunately falls upon me as the vessel, the grower of said baby. This has included bi-monthly acupuncture treatment where I lie on a table for 45 minutes, listening to soothing music and trying, often unsuccessfully, to quiet all the fears in mind. It has also included a dizzying array of medications, herbs, and supplements in an attempt to chase down why my body wont grow babies.

Now I feel like I am standing at the end of the tunnel that is the last two years bruised, battered, bloated and reeling from the side effects of drugs and pregnancy hormones with nothing to show but the wisdom of losing two pregnancies, two separate and united hopes. Having a baby in my arms would be much nicer.

I am grateful that with this pregnancy I did not take the time to buy any supplies or even unpack our old store of baby and maternity clothes that were gifted to me. The only thing I bought was the little sweater above and that was .75 cents at the local thrift store.

We received that bad news last Friday during a follow up ultra sound where there was no heartbeat, no baby and lots of technical terms like Blighted Ovum and Missed Abortion. We had an ultrasound the week before but the results were inconclusive, leaving us floating in a Neatherland for a week daring to hope that our baby would develop and fearing the hope that could lead to heartbreak. In the meantime I was placed on heavy doses of progesterone to combat my uterine cramping. Progesterone is what causes morning sickness. Heavy dosed of it will turn you into a wreak. Not only did I feel really ill and bloated, I felt disconnected from my body and could not access information from my own brain. Perhaps the most memorable moment was when Scott and I attempted to do our grocery shopping. Manned with my half of the list, standing in front of a wall of bagged salad I could not read anything on the list, and nothing around me was familiar. I didn't understand what the letters on the paper in my hand meant, what salad was, nor why we would buy it. I had a mini meltdown, impressively restrained considering how I felt and was shepherded to the car while Scott finished the shopping.

Now I am sitting at home waiting for the miscarriage to start. It is a horrible feeling, sitting here with our dead dream in my body. I find myself wishing it would just hurry up and happen so I can get through the physical pain and start healing. My body is exhausted from giving itself up to this mission. I feel like I don't know how to be myself in my own skin now. I am no longer the woman who had the one unfortunate miscarriage, I am now the woman who has trouble getting pregnant and once she does there is no great track record of success.

Aside from my sadness there is a positive side to this shitty coin. The doctors say it is wonderful that I got pregnant again. They say that this miscarriage is a good sign because it means I can get pregnant after all. Can you imagine why it would be hard in our situation to find the silver lining in that message? They say that 2 miscarriages really aren't that many and that I am still young and there is time. I hope to god they are right. It will be hard to celebrate Scott's 30th birthday this year when we had so hoped to be parents by that point.

The really positive side is that I feel so much stronger this time then last. I hope this does not fade. I have an ability to "manage" this situation until the miscarriage is over and I am out of physical threat then falling apart. My intuition tells me that wont be the case this time. I have grown in the last year and a half and know enough now to line up a support team if the emotional fallout gets too bad.

And the positive in this situation is I feel so much love and support this time. This must be a combination of my willingness to reach out and the increase in our community of friends here. During the last miscarriage we felt really alone here in Portland. I also felt the curse of the woman who had miscarried. I was the carrier of bad news, I was sad all of the time and people didn't want to be around that. This time I have a lovely group of friends and I am finally not afraid to burden them with my sadness, although I am still able to laugh which wasn't possible last time.

In addition our families have been incredible. Not everyone was informed of the pregnancy which might be awkward. We had just embarked on the joy of telling our news when disaster struck. For those of you who we didn't have time to tell I am sure you understand. The phone calls from family mean the most, even if it is a message on our machine. Just knowing that people are thinking of us and reaching out makes all the difference.

So, that is the story of our latest sadness. But all is not lost! There has been much happiness in our life as of late. I am finding myself thinking of the Thai way of life. If you are unhappy then you are not giving thanks enough in your life. Such a beautiful sentiment.....when you're sad look around you and focus on all the beauty you are living.

So, I am thankful that Scott has been accepted into the Electrician Apprenticeship Program. I am so very proud of him. To watch him in the last year is to be in awe. When he was rejected last time his odds would have turned many others away. Instead of falling down, he took the low ranking he received as a challenge. I accompanied him on several runs around the city as he dry called on electrical companies and construction companies dropping of resumes in the face of many a frosty receptionist who told him his information wouldn't even be accepted or reviewed. He kept at it, knocking on doors until one opened. Starting on the ground floor he has worked his ass off driving huge supply trucks all over our fair city and coming home with chunks of his fingers missing. This last year he has made contact with as many electricians as possible and garnered a nice collection of letters of recommendation.

The union was hardly a match for him this time as he strode into his interview last month armed with the most desirable job experience working for one of the top companies in the state and a stack of fine recommendations, and or course his charm. Out of 500 applicants interviewed Scott was rated as #12! Take that Universe!!! I am beyond please watching him embark on this hard earned carrier, this is definitely a time of celebration!

July 1st we are moving. We intended to live in our tiny basement apartment for one year. Two and a half years later we are moving on. This apartment has been our saving grace as we adjusted to living here and struggled to put me through school. Now my education is complete and I am a working member of society again so we're blowing this Popsicle stand! Granted we are moving to the apartment above us, but the space is more that double and we get to keep our incredible yard with my garden I have worked so hard to establish. This feels intuitively right, like hitting a reset button. This apartment was a comfort to us, but it is time to move on and start fresh with our new careers.

So, that about brings us up to date. Thanks for reading, and you know where to find us!