Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Relaxing Times

A few photos of life lately.

Jeff and Kate took me canoeing on the Willamette River. I sat in the middle of the canoe and did absolutely nothing. It was awesome. Although I do want to kayak eventually.

The Volvo loves this. It purrrrs with happiness whenever it is loaded down with gear.

Hanging out at home Jelly gets some quality time with Jeff and Kate.

...and beer

It's been almost a year since a horrible incident hiking in Forest Park with Iverson. I usually hike the dogs off leash when we are far in on a trail. I was with my friend Deanna and her two dogs which we had been hiking with all summer. Everything was going as normal when we encountered this old house. As I was pulling my camera out of the bag to take some photos Iverson decided it was a great idea to run up to the top floor and jump off it. I thought my dog was dead. He hit the ground with a sickening sound, stood up then blacked out. He was convulsing in my arms and bleeding from the mouth when he somehow came to just as I was finishing my makeshift sling to carry him out with. Several weeks of massage and physical therapy (I taught myself quickly how to adapt my massage training for dogs) ensued and now he seems like it never happened. Phewwww.... Considering the chaos of the day I never took photos of the moss covered half burned out house in the woods. I have found out that Portlandians call it the "Witch House"...I am a believer. Here are some photos of the house that I came across on the internet the other day.

Friday, February 6, 2009

more and more and more....

I had a Histogram last Monday to image my uterus/tubes and the test results were very good. There was a doctor in the room who interpreted the results immediately. No problems with the plumbing. We are working with an additional doctor to rule out any genetic/hormonal imbalance that could be contributing to the miscarriages. Those results will be revealed to us next week.

It has been a painful start to the year. Deciding once again to throw our hat in the ring of parenthood strips away my defensive shield. You see, when we are not "actively" trying I can lose myself in the fantasy that I don't want children "that much". I can forgo the horrible ache I feel when my friends are bouncing their healthy children around the room and I feel empty. I can pride myself on being able to sleep in as late as I want, read an entire book in a day, and drink as much wine as I want.

But once we decide to try again all bets are off and there is no comfort in the wine. Mostly my heart aches and aches and aches. In the last two weeks we were blind sided by an old friend and his wife who are expecting their first baby. We were priveledged to the tale of how "they didn't have to try it all", how they must just be "really fertile". Luckily we have our survival routine worked out by now and Scott could tell from my tap on his shoulder that I was a moment away from a full blown anxiety attack. And escape we did until I could breath again.

Last Sunday I skipped out on the baby shower of a good friend. I still haven't come up with the words to apologize and explain why I just didn't show up.

This is one of the hardest facets of our fertility struggle. It brings out my jealously and inability to feel happy for others. The jealously and lack of happiness is only momentary but the guilt I feel over these thoughts has real staying power. I don't like who I am in those moments. I don't want to be that person. Moreover can I learn to be all these people at once? Why does this have to be so hard?