Friday, February 6, 2009

more and more and more....

I had a Histogram last Monday to image my uterus/tubes and the test results were very good. There was a doctor in the room who interpreted the results immediately. No problems with the plumbing. We are working with an additional doctor to rule out any genetic/hormonal imbalance that could be contributing to the miscarriages. Those results will be revealed to us next week.

It has been a painful start to the year. Deciding once again to throw our hat in the ring of parenthood strips away my defensive shield. You see, when we are not "actively" trying I can lose myself in the fantasy that I don't want children "that much". I can forgo the horrible ache I feel when my friends are bouncing their healthy children around the room and I feel empty. I can pride myself on being able to sleep in as late as I want, read an entire book in a day, and drink as much wine as I want.

But once we decide to try again all bets are off and there is no comfort in the wine. Mostly my heart aches and aches and aches. In the last two weeks we were blind sided by an old friend and his wife who are expecting their first baby. We were priveledged to the tale of how "they didn't have to try it all", how they must just be "really fertile". Luckily we have our survival routine worked out by now and Scott could tell from my tap on his shoulder that I was a moment away from a full blown anxiety attack. And escape we did until I could breath again.

Last Sunday I skipped out on the baby shower of a good friend. I still haven't come up with the words to apologize and explain why I just didn't show up.

This is one of the hardest facets of our fertility struggle. It brings out my jealously and inability to feel happy for others. The jealously and lack of happiness is only momentary but the guilt I feel over these thoughts has real staying power. I don't like who I am in those moments. I don't want to be that person. Moreover can I learn to be all these people at once? Why does this have to be so hard?


  1. My heart aches terribly for you both. I wish that I could give you two a big hug. I really wish I knew better words to soothe your wounded heart. Why do the old phrases of consolation fall so flat on ears that are so hurt? It's just human nature, just like the jealousy. Don't beat yourself up for the most basic of universal human flaws. Only Buddha and Jesus have been able beat it.

    Sending my love across the damnable miles


  2. Amen and amen! I just told an old friend about the miscarriage rollercoaster and she told me how she and her new boyfriend had gotten pregnant while on birth control and using condoms. Umm...that's supposed to be comforting? I just had the histogram too and will soon post about it. Good luck.