Alright, here we are moving forward into the sixth month. It wouldn't seem real except for the very realistic pressure on my bladder and several trips to the bathroom at night. I often wonder if this is a design of nature to slowly prepare us pregnant ladies for the sleepless nights ahead.
Attending a baby shower for a friend on Saturday. This will be my first baby shower since before I found out I was pregnant with this kiddo. Even though I'm now an "official" member of the breeding club I find that my association with these events is still one of horror. Baby showers were/are perhaps the hardest part of fertility issues for me. Nothing beats that brand of uncomfortable horrible situation, smiling, cringing on the inside, hiding my broken heart, trying to focus on their happy future. Wondering if I can set those associations aside and simply enjoy the baby shower and enjoy my pregnancy.
Scott and I left our doctor's appointment last week smug with the fact that for the first time in years nothing specifically was wrong. There were no major, pressing issues to address. No new medications or change of routine to incorporate. What a sweet relief to sit in front of my doctor and report that everything is great, the baby is active, I'm active with tons of energy and working feels good.
Then the next day my doctor called. I knew we couldn't get off the hook that easy. Bam! Borderline Gestational Diabetes. Fuck!!! Hello insurance company, will this diagnosis affect your choice to pay a percentage of our home birth fee? Hello neighborhood pharmacist, how much will this machine and blood testing strips cost? Also, where can I draw blood three times a day that is not on my fingers since I'm in no hurry to stop working or massage people while wearing rubber gloves. Good bye Ben and Jerry's, those two nights we had together were great.
I swear I'm not gonna make it out of this pregnancy without looking like an addict riddled with track marks. Between the blood clotting tests and now blood sugar testing my scars are building quickly.
So here we are, scrambling to learn to cook for a diabetic and learning to count carbohydrates. Fun and more fun. I am quickly deepening my empathy for diabetics.
Also wondering about the etiquette of the baby registry/shower. Given my natural aversion to said showers I am now wondering if we will have one. A good friend has offered to host it and promises no strange/embarassing games. I figure we should go for it and let our community love and support us, let some it flow back to us. If anyone has a lead on sugar-free cupcakes that would definitely be a plus.
Looking at Target online tonight and my head is swimming with all the detritus of infanthood. It's not the big items I'm worried about. I am confident in our ability to keep these to a necessity and minimum. It's all the nail clippers, bottles, breast milk storage option, burp clothes, wash tubs, sun shades, etc. that have got me sweating. How much of this do we really need and if we cut corners am I going to be cursing at 3am wishing we had x,y, or z?
Business is going well, slowly and steadily growing. My new office is brilliant, I wish I had been working with a yoga studio a long time ago. Met with the contractor today and ordered my sign, which feels symbolic and huge. It will be a good day when that goes up. Planning and plotting my maternity leave, banking money for the expenses that don't go on hold, and educating my clients about their options while I am gone. Everyone is being so wonderful and supportive.
The baby likes to move a lot while I am working. It becomes challenging at moments to completely focus on my client when this third person is in the room with us knock, knock, knocking on my insides! I can imagine someday telling her how many massages she worked with me on. It is in those moments, when I am at my most intuitive that I feel her presence the most. No longer just a motion in my abdomen, but a palpable person in the room. It is very exciting, mysterious and glorious.
It is hard to believe she will be here in a few months, this person we have waited an eternity to meet. She is walking down the road towards us growing every closer. I am full of happiness and disbelief and dream about her regularly now. After the last miscarriage I had a dream that my daughter was full grown. She was kneeling in front of my as I sat in a chair. I remember she was wild, beautiful in a frenetic, ruddy skin, crazy hair sort of way, and I was proud, my heart bursting with love looking into her face. My thoughts tumbled over the impossibility that this powerful whirling spirit of youth and adventure had somehow come through me into this world. She was full of confusion and love for this life, asking me to explain how there can be so much love and ugliness coexisting. I knew this ache and held her face while I told her her heart could expand to take it all in.
I know that dream was her and we will meet soon.
One day that dream will be a reality.