Sister Love

From the moment Harlow was born, Cora claimed her as her own. We encouraged this by referring to the baby as Cora's baby. I had braced myself for Cora to fully reject her new sister. Stories of toddlers hitting their newborn siblings played through my mind and I fully expected that behavior to manifest itself.

But of course that's not what happened, because Cora is her unique self, she is sweet and gentle and full of love. The look of wonder on her face as she met Harlow for the first time is something I will never forget. It was immediate hugs and joy, an awesome explosion of love.

Now, on the eve of Harlow's first birthday, there has been a shift in their relationship. Cora has fallen head over heels in love with her little sister. Of course there have been some rough spots in the last year, mostly around Harlow learning to crawl and claim toys for her own, but for the most part it has been patience and love. Recently, however, Cora's love for her little sister has become a fierce and powerful thing.

When she first wakes in the morning, Cora no longer runs to me, but runs to her sister and wraps her in hugs while whispering "Hi baby Harlow."  Last night the girls spent time with their babysitter, who was helping Cora create a picture of her family in a boat. Cora refused to put me or her dad in the picture, adamant that it is a picture of two sisters on a high seas adventure. I love this. I love her growing awareness of her special relationship with her sister, that it is of our family, but also transcends it. It is what I dreamt about and hoped for all throughout my pregnancy with Harlow. It was a difficult pregnancy in many ways, and chasing after my growing toddler seemed like a mountain of work. Exhaustion and extreme discomfort were my close friends, and when those days got too difficult, I would focus on the gift I was giving my two girls.  The gift of a lifetime of having a sister so close in age that they will never remember not having one another. And now, one year later, their love is blossoming right in front of my eyes, and I am full of joy.

Just Two Sisters Out On An Adventure

Oh The Love When Daddy Gets Home!

Love, Loss, Life...This Moment

We have had a collection of so many simple and sweet mornings lately. The days are blending one into another, the edges blurred by my lack of a work schedule and Scott being switched to night shifts. It's a special and quiet time, taking the edge off the anticipation.

I have not written much about it here but there have been many moments during this pregnancy that were spent mourning the loss of friends and/or their children.  A dear friend's miscarriage, two mothers lost in childbirth, a baby lost to SIDS just before her one year birthday. In so many ways it has been a challenging time and a powerful meditation on the reality that all we have is this moment, that nothing in the future is guaranteed. I tend to become overly goal focused, gazing forward instead of sinking into what I have right now.  I have been slowing down, sharpening my focus, hugging Cora closely and imagining a healthy baby sister for her while making donations and sending as much love and support as I can to those surviving losses.

In the midst of these experiences I have been reading about two fellow blogging mamas who have welcomed new babies into their lives in the last week (Here and Here). I have been reading along with these ladies the duration of our pregnancies and it is very exciting to watch them welcome their babes. I find myself staring at newborns with a disbelief that we will have one soon. The last few months have been such a gift, an extreme understanding of living in the present has pervaded me thanks to all those who write about their experiences. In this way the world of blogging weaves a tight web and the connections we create with people we will most likely never meet are powerful and uplifting.

More then anything, what this journey to parenthood has taught me is that when you dream of creating a child you are always "rolling the dice". To hope to bring a child into the world is to pull your heart out of your body, set it on a dish and know that at any moment it can be smashed to pieces, but the risk is always so very worth it. I remember all those years ago, before marriage, before children. I would think about my future as a parent and just assume that once I was ready it would happen so perfectly and easily. I wonder what I would say to that girl now. 

I think I would say forge ahead with courage, that this is going to be one hell of a heartbreaking, soul searching ride. That your heart will shatter in ways you did not know possible, that you will come to understand that you will never fully understanding suffering...yours or another's. You will rise again and again through searing pain and continue to fight for your beliefs and somewhere in that rising you find a strength you did not know you possess.  You will learn that loss has touched almost every one you know. You will stand your ground when all you want to do is pack a bag and run. You will eventually realize your greatest hope. You will look at your child every, single, day and see a miracle.

Every. Single. Day.

Prepping For Number Two

I know I have said it before but it finally feels like this is really happening, that this pregnancy isn't some abstract experiment. Lists are being created, nesting is happening people! The advantage to a second baby is that most of the baby gear bases are covered, especially when new baby is the same gender as number one thereby allowing a reuse of all clothing. Regardless of the overlap I have a small and tightly selected list of pieces we will be adding to make life easier with two. Another advantage to a second swing at parenthood is we have a solid idea of what works for us and what doesn't so it is easier to wade through all the gimmicky items and know exactly what we need. Here is my condensed list so far:

• A rocking bassinet stand for our moses basket. My mother in law scored us a beautiful basket when we were expecting Cora.  I am sewing a new organic cotton liner for it this time around. This stand allows us to use it as a bassinet and easily move baby around the house. With Cora we used the pack and play more but our new apartment is smaller and I think this will work much better for the first few months.

• Photo credit: wee textile blog, amazing, you should check it out!

• Ikea Minnen bed for Cora. We have managed to buy one of these in fantastic used condition from Craigslist but need to replace the mattress with something nicer. I scored a new down comforter for her at Target on clearance for $8 (!!!!) and am sewing her fitted sheets and a comforter cover this week.

Photo credit: I am still trying to find my original link. If any of you recognize this let me know.  This photo has been the inspiration behind the girl's room here at our new place. I used this same paint color as well, it's Benjamin Moore Robin's Nest

• Baby swing, something small and simple. My fantastic sister in law bought us one for Cora and we used it so much the motor burned out. I will be scouring used children's stores for one.

• A 22" flatscreen tv for our bedroom. I have never thought it a good idea to have a television in the bedroom since it interrupts sleep habits, however, a temporary placement of one will be a godsend through the first few sleepless months. I also think it will buy me a few more minutes in the mornings when Cora can snuggle up with me and a nursing baby and watch sesame street. I am thinking this will be another Craigslist acquisition or perhaps Target with a coupon.

• A few pieces of Organic layette clothing, I loved these long sleepers with the open bottom. I am a big fan of Kate Quinn, Kickypants and Hannah Anderson organic cotton. We will be in Seattle next weekend and are going to check out the Kate Quinn outlet store and there is a Hannah Anderson outlet here as well, the hope is to score some of these pieces at a decent discount. I have also been checking our used children's stores but so far am only finding pieces for 6 months and up.

• 2 new nursing bras. Pretty self explanatory and an absolute necessity.

• 2-3 of these amazing Gap nursing tops. I nursed Cora without owning even one official nursing shirt. While is is completely possible, I sure would like to have something designed for the job.

• And the cherry on top. The one item I am most hoping for on this entire list, the item that we are saving and saving for. The Phil & Ted explorer stroller with second seat. Let me say this, I underestimated the need for a great stroller with Cora. We got by for awhile with a really nice umbrella style stroller but a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant again we upgraded to a Joovy Zoom and life has been so much easier. The only problem is the Joovy doesn't fit two kids. So copious research and "test drives" later and I am sold on this model. It even has a car seat adapter so I can pop the infant car seat onto it while Cora rides comfortably in the lower  seat. I still can not believe that strollers can cost so much but with the amount of jogging, walking and urban navigating (trains, buses, crowded sidewalks) we do it is a necessity.

Photo credit: www.jilliansdrawers.com

There you have it, a second time mom's wish list. I am also working on a whole new cloth diapering system but this time around I am sewing them from scratch. I completed the very first diaper cover yesterday and even though it turned out way too big for Cora, I am shocked and excited that it actually looks like a functional diaper cover (complete with waterproof layer). So far the experiment is going well and I will be making more in even smaller sizes for the new baby as well.

The Center of the Home

I heard a quote from Dr. Christiane Northrup, I can not remember the exact wording but the basic idea is that the mother is the center,  grounding rod of the family and all its energy, that all children and activity swirl around her. She said that if you wanted proof of this phenomenon you need only to be a mom attempting to take a quiet bath. This quote came back to me yesterday. I was taking a quick morning shower while Cora stood next to the tub and chatted with me. When I finished I threw back the curtain to see my kiddo, as well as both dogs and one of our cats (the other was outside) all standing in a row giving me a look of absolute expectation. I grabbed my towel, laughing out loud and wishing I had my camera. I guess the rule extends to all dependents, include our animals.

The sun finally came out and blessed us the other day. We had a brief few days to enjoy it and we soaked it up because, alas, the rains are back. We are still adjusting to the new house, working on childproofing, figuring out where all the little things will go and looking forward to summer days here. The front deck has been secured so Cora likes to play out there with us.

We missed all the Easter egg hunts due to my flu. I was sad to have missed it for many reasons one being this great dress I found for her at a thrift store. Disaster was averted when I discovered a May Day Festival here in town. We met up with some other families and enjoyed a group of adorable kindergartners dancing around a May pole. These kindergartners are part of the May Pole team at their school. How awesome is that? A May Pole Team!  It must be motherhood or perhaps pregnancy hormones but that sweet ceremony brought tears to my eyes. That and this amazing girl who I get to spend every day with.

She is in such a wonderful phase, talking more and more every day and become very independent. We can spend the better part of an hour with her as she practices walking up a step over and over. Often at the playground the most exciting moment for her is walking up the steps. We just got her a simple shape sorter toy which she is obsessed with, having hit that milestone where sorting and placing things inside of other things blows her mind. I can not wait to see what is next.